How was your 2017?
Such a simple question.
Such a complex answer.
I’m not a huge believer in arbitrary dates signifying monumental changes, but the New Year does feel as if it’s a time to reflect, ponder, look back, look inside, look around, look ahead.
2016 was a year of awakening, of stirring. 2016 was still awash in a film of grey, but it was a beginning. There were joys and pains and life-altering decisions made.
2017 continued along the trajectory set forth in 2016. Opening up, seeing colour, feeling colour, basking in it. The shell crumbling, allowing feeling again – amazing euphoric highs that I didn’t know existed – deeper pain than I’d ever felt before.
I found love – a love I didn’t know existed, a love that can’t be explained to anyone who hasn’t experienced it. I thought I had experienced it before, but no; this is a whole new level. I’ve been reluctant and afraid to put it into words – words I publish – because in talking about this love, I feel as if I’m hurting my previous partner, the father of my precious children, the man I promised my life to. I am by no means intending to diminish what we had, I regret nothing. We shared a large part of our lives with each other, our hearts, our minds, our bodies. I thought I’d found my soulmate. The difference in what I felt with him and what I feel now is like turning on the light in a darkened room and thinking that’s as bright as things can get, then going outside and experiencing the sun at high noon.
2017 was the year I truly found love, an indescribable love, an unimaginable connection – so deep and expansive, it still baffles me. I look at him and shake my head, in awe of how I feel. I’ve had adventures with this man that I can only describe as transcendent. I’ve experienced things I can’t explain.
2017 was a year that saw denial, pushing, pulling, waiting, letting go. It was a year where I lost faith. I always had hope that things would turn out the way they were meant to, but my faith that they would was chipped at until it fell away. I became detached from faith. Thankfully hope and love remained.
It was a year of questioning myself and others. It was a year of introspection – the year I truly began to question feelings, emotions, demons and dragons. I began to dissect why they were manifesting and where they were coming from, and I continue to do so. It’s fascinating.
It was the year I truly became responsible for my own feelings. I own what I feel. I have a right to feel however I feel, but no one is responsible for that. No one “makes” me feel the way I feel. My feelings may be reactions to others’ actions, sure, but I own those reactions, and (over)analyze them.
2017 has been a year of self-discovery. My body can do and feel things it never has before. I’ve had the most embarrassing things happen, but because I’m with someone I trust completely, they’re funny, not shame-inducing.
I’m on a journey where I’ve been opening myself up more, discovering what I truly believe about life, the universe, power, energy, existence – and my place in it all.
It’s been a year of patience, of trying not to push, of knowing one cannot make another person see; one can only let go and hope they see. It’s in letting go that love truly flourishes.
In 2017 love came crashing in, uninvited, too soon. But love doesn’t wait until you’re “ready”.
It was a year of Pandora’s Box being opened, a bit at a time. I can never to back to what life was like before 2017.