I want all of him, but I can only have some.

Is some enough? If I can’t have all, do I settle for some? I can’t breathe at the thought of not having any of him.

So what do I do? Settle for being second? Yes, there’s a hierarchy and I will never be number one, not the way things stand.

This is my first foray into any sort of relationship with someone who already has a primary partner. All three of us know each other and talked this all through. It’s one thing to have a “no emotional ties” agreement, but it’s quite another to get the heart to abide.

It’s all been fine and fun and great. Until now.

I didn’t mean to fall in love. Neither of us meant to. Yet, here we are.

We both went into this with very clear expectations. It was just sex. That’s it. Me, single. Him, in an open relationship. Friends with benefits. Just fun every once in a while.

Now it hurts to go a day without seeing him. What the hell?

We didn’t see it coming. Then last night, after “just fucking” for about four months, we suddenly found ourselves not “just fucking” anymore.

As we were moving together, there was a shift. It was different, and I thought, “Oh my god. We’re making love.”

We kept going, enjoying this shared experience. It was an experience I’d never fully had before – and I didn’t realize it until that moment. I THOUGHT I had experienced it before, but I hadn’t. Not like this.

We were lying there together, taking turns breathing and making “huh…” noises. He spoke first and said, “Um. That wasn’t fucking.”

“No. No, it wasn’t,” was my reply. We were both caught off-guard.

So, here I am. I’m so completely in love with someone I can’t fully have, which brings me back to the dilemma. Am I ok with some? Especially when I know I can’t have all?

It’s heartbreak without the breakup.

I just don’t know what to do, where to go from here.

*Photo credit: Copyright jay flickr.com/photos/this-love-is-cursed/3197924504

About Josie Quinn

Josie loves pushing boundaries, in herself and others. She is Mom to three spectacular humans. She has been married. She has been divorced. She believes in living life now because you never know when tomorrow may not come.