“How to have incredible sex with role play, sex games, erotic massage, bdsm play and much, much more” promises the new book The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy by Violet Blue.

Sure. Sign me up!

I already have a pretty incredible sex life, but hey, you can always learn more. I love reading books, reading articles, learning from friends, taking workshops (some of which are even hands-on), and more. Give me a chance to learn more about sex, sexuality and relationships and I’m in. When Cleis Press offered me a copy of this book to review, I accepted eagerly. And I’m happy I did. I love this book. Violet Blue is already well-known and well-respected in her field, and this book lives up to my expectations – and beyond!

The book promises we’ll discover how to:

  • Uncover your lover’s secret fantasies  (how fun!)
  • Role-play without feeling silly  (a dilemma of mine)
  • Navigate your first threesome – where DOES that sixth arm go?  (so many appendages to consider!)
  • Have sex in public  (and do it more successfully than the recent couple on the beach….)
  • Create thrilling S/M scenarios  (oooo…. how hot!)
  • Strip, lap dance, and talk dirty  (talking dirty has always felt awkward for me)



I LOVE how The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy is laid out. The chapter titles are simple and easy-to-understand. The author has written the book with the understanding people are going to jump around and read whatever floats their boat at the time.

If you just flipped to this chapter, then flip yourself right back to chapter 3, “Fantasies for Two,” where you can read up on how to talk with your lover about what you do and don’t want to try…

The book is also sprinkled with short, easily-digestible and very well-done erotica. Almost every chapter ends with a story that reflects that chapters’ content. Well played! (I especially enjoyed the tales at the end of chapters 5 and 8.)

The biggest thing I love about this book is that it is a practical, down-to-earth guide. It’s packed with handy tips, such as “What Not to Stick in Your Butt!”, and is focused on being careful and safe at all times – physically and emotionally. The author does not suggest people do things that will unwillingly engage others’ in a sex act (and that includes being seen by someone who hasn’t consented); things that could get you arrested; and cautions about things that may SEEM like a good idea, but may not necessarily translate well into reality. These gentle reminders about being smart and safe (such as, “If you restrain them in public, you could attract the attention of the police and wind up in handcuffs yourself”) are found throughout the book, an especially good idea since readers may jump around or read certain sections only.

She starts from the beginning.

Opening up can be scary, and being met with shock, surprise or distaste is even scarier. Learning how to discuss each other’s desires, and picking up tips for starting the conversation, is where you’ll want to begin.

And gives us sensible tips and techniques on how to implement her suggestions.

The most important thing to think through beforehand is how you are going to make your partner feel safe. Mentally rehearse what you’d like to say before you actually have the conversation. Think about how your partner might react, so that you will be prepared to follow whichever route the discussion might take.

She talks about adding more partners to your play.

This is the cardinal rule for sex with extra partners: Do only the things that turn you on, make you hot, and make you both feel good. Your partnership should always be more important at every moment than the experience you’re having. Don’t be afraid to say that you can’t deal with something, and don’t be afraid to stop the action if you become upset. Check in with each other’s feelings as often as possible. Remember, this is about a fantasy you share – if one of you is having a bad time, it’s not working and should be changed or stopped. Many couples who successfully play with others make this a hard and fast rule: If one of them wants the experience to change in any way or to stop, it does.

The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy is peppered with wonderful suggestions such as tying a long, colourful ribbon to your handcuff key so it’s impossible to lose. SMART!

I recommend this book to anyone looking to bring up some fantasies with their partner, anyone trying to wrap their head around fantasies their partner has already brought up, anyone looking to spice things up a bit (or a lot). Even if your sex life is completely satisfying, this is a fantastic book. You never know what else you might throw in your already-gratifying sex life. Pick this book up. Trust me.

About Josie Quinn

Josie loves pushing boundaries, in herself and others. She is Mom to three spectacular humans. She has been married. She has been divorced. She believes in living life now because you never know when tomorrow may not come.